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Well, its October. This is a time to scare and be scared. Some people love the thrill of a good scare! I know, I am one of them. This is my favorite month because of movement of the threshold of what is normally acceptable. We have a party every year and spend months planning it. Last year we even did Busch Gardens Williamsburg and stayed overnight so that we could enjoy an entire evening of actors in haunted house and roller coaster rides in foggy flickering lights. It is exciting!

This year especially has brought my actual fears to the forefront of my mind. Fears for my loved ones and their health. Financial fears we all face. Fear of what the future holds…

Some of you work with me and know me personally. I work full-time in healthcare. I was a photographer for ten years but always had to supplement my income by working odd jobs. Bartending, serving food, courier, process serve, seasonal retail, and working in cafes as a barista. It was never something that was sustainable with my acute health issues. Now I am nearing the end of a chapter in my life and waiting for fate to decide for me what is next.

People always ask me what I am going to do next. I am used to life not caring what I want and plan for myself. I have adjusted to the options I can achieve for myself and then select what works best for the place that I am in. I wanted to be an artist, but it doesn’t pay well if you are just “eh” or you may not able to sell your work because no one needs art. It is a luxury item. I wanted to be a photographer but only selling one type of photography became monotonous and inflexible for my life in tight situations. I wanted to be a scientist or a doctor, but I am at a point in my life where I cannot just give 6 to 8 years of my life straight into academia. Like most millennials I have given myself options.

There is nothing worse than putting all of your hope and dreams into one thing and having the floor drop out from under you. Most of us in the generation watch our parents get laid off from jobs and go through serious depression and feelings of inadequacy. We watched our parents and grandparents struggle to make ends meet on a single job or two. Our generation has to face a time where a “living wage” is not offered. We cannot rely on one master trade. We have to be masters of many trades.

I have applied to nursing school and I have started a business. These are the seeds I planted five years ago to give me a more comfortable middle age. My goals are to travel and photograph and spend time with my love ones. That is all I want. In the future, if I get into nursing school and start a new path towards a living wage, that is great! If I do not get accepted, I will take it as a sign to focus on my life and myself and take control of my business. That would be great too! I have options. There is no dead end to the road. It might mean taking a turn or a detour.

The fear I feel is not filled with anxiety. The fear I feel is excitement for myself and my future of a more fulfilling life. Even though the not knowing is scary, it would be so boring if it weren’t for these tiny thrills. I try not to act too excited or scared but it is difficult to contain all that I have felt along the way and tried to hide with a calm surface.

You might be scared to try new things. You may have second thoughts about going to those get togethers or taking a trip but, if these are things that you want deep down. Start making small movements towards them. It will take someone of the anxiety out of the change. If it is something you really want. Do not deny yourself the experience. Spend your gift of time the way you want to. Be honest with yourself. It is okay to be scared. Just use the fear as a driving force.

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